I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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