So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
