It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
