I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
