Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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