We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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