i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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