someone owes me an orgasm
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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