Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
