She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
