I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Panties = found
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