tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Randomize
