now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
