Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
