Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
