The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
