I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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