I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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