I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
