is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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