I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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