We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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