he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
