Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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