The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
