saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
