o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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