Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
