Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
