the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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