Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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