I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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