i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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