just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm at about main and main street
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
