God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I will pee on everything he values.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
