I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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