You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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