i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
