on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
