I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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