and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
