Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
