Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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