my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
