her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
