someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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