My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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