3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
