felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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