life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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