he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
