You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
